"Don't bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need. This isn't a cat-and-mouse, hide-and-seek game we're in. If your child asks for bread, do you trick him with sawdust? If he asks for fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate? As bad as you are, you wouldn't think of such a thing. You're at least decent to your own children. So don't you think the God who conceived you in love will be even better?"
Matthew 7: 9-11 The MSG Translation
Just like many of us who grew up in the Philippines, I grew up in church. Not only were my grandparents pastors but I was also raised in a good mix of Catholic and Christian schools ensuring that religion was always a big part of my life. And as a kid, I absolutely adored it. I remember when I was in 4th grade my parents would drop me off early in school and I would spend the very early hours either in the Chapel (if it was open early enough) or reading the Bible (this was just because I wanted to one day read a passage from the Bible during the opening ceremony). My Type A personality also loved the rigid rules of religion, somehow it eased my anxiety to know that if I followed points A to Z, I would be safe in my own cocoon. In some sense, it was my inner child's way of protecting myself from life's unhappy events. I was using religion as a shield and honestly, out of all coping mechanisms that I could have chosen, I don't think this was too bad.
My love affair with religion carried throughout high school and my early professional career and while it protected me from a lot of poor choices (and for that alone, I am grateful), it also made me rigid and legalistic. By the time I was in my mid-20s, it was clear to me that I was using religion to judge and elevate myself. I was fairly insecure and for a time, the only thing that made me special was that I followed the rules of religion and therefore must be rewarded with all the glitz and glamor the world had to offer.
Safe to say, my understanding of who God was was filtered through the messages of what was taught to me (directly or indirectly) instead of something I experienced myself. It was only when I moved away from home that I began to truly sit down with beliefs I've carried with me since childhood, take apart, and discover who God is personally. During this season, I stepped away from everything that I was taught so I could clearly understand the narrative of my many parts within and how that narrative convoluted the true goodness and grace of God. I had to step away from traditions in order to discover God for who He is without the many rules and restrictions that I made in my head.
It was a long journey and I was lost for quite some time. I was heavily anchored into doing what's right and what's wrong without truly understanding what it meant to be loved. I'd like to think that I'm still in that journey but now closer to clarity than I have been since 2016. Throughout this season, I have felt His love carry me despite my doubts and questions. In moments where I was sure I was no longer loved, He came through with a message from a friend or even social media.
Ironically, our church, Zoe Church, is taking Father's Day month to share God's love for His children and about two Sundays ago, I sat in church similar to the many times I have before and yet I knew this was different because for once at least for me, the message was simple. The message was that I was loved and that was it. God's love comes with no attachments, no rules, and no complex equations. For many years, I toiled and followed every rule because I wanted to be loved without realizing that I already was. If I truly understood the intensity of God's love then, I probably wouldn't have gone through what I did but I know for every season there is a reason and I am extremely blessed to be living in this season that I am in now.
There is much to be said about being loved when you are "good" and have followed all the rules but the unconditional love freely given to one who has doubted is incomparable.
This Father's Day, I not only honor the men in my life (my dad Biboy and my husband, Anthony) but most importantly, I honor my Heavenly Father for the love that has seen me and yet accepted me as I am.
For those interested in the particular sermon, it's titled "Your Life Depends on It" by Pastor Chad Narayan of Zoe Church.
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